running

I need to figure out a better way to deal with my problems. But this way is so much easier. Had a really terrible couple of days. Couldn't talk to matt because he wouldnt pick up his phone and me quickly turning into an emotional wreck i sent him a fairly aggravated text along the lines of why do you pay for this is you never pick it up. I guess I called all those time to not talk to you. (I normally call once and if he doesnt pick up i leave it and move on. )But last night I sent him a few texts and called several times as a hint i really wanted to talk to him. So he called today and I vented my emotional garbage on him and stuff and then we are chatting on facebook and i start playing 21 questions but using it as a state of the union sorta thing. what do you like about me. what don't you. have i ever made you mad? have i ever made you frustrated? ect. pretty normal stuff but then he is like, there is something i want to talk to you about in person and im like ?....????????

so he was like dont worry! blah blahbljahdhjsd i love you ect its not bad. but im like wtf. you don't just say this to me and then not tell me whats up..... So my initial reaction is to breakup with him before he can leave me... i know this is wrong but i can't help it. I run.

I am a fast runner. 15:50 2 mile. Just sayin, i can be gone befr ehe knows anything was wrong.... terrible response to stress.... in othe rnews weighed myself...126! oh hell yeah!

129!

yeeeeEEAAaahhh *does funny little dance with copious amounts of arm punching* well like 129.89 haha but its below 130 and will never be that high again. Went cycling this evening. I hate waking up early to go to the gym and the electricity was funky so I skipped out on my run this morning. Had to make it up. Been lifting and trying to make myself run. Not very successful at teh running which I know is what I need to quickly drop the unwanted fattyness. lol
I am becoming a workout-a-holic. I always want to do something physical and move and it is hard to concentrate in class because of this crazy desire to be thin. oh well.

As far as the personal life goes....well all is good on the western front i guess. I do have this friend. Steffanie. I love her and she is amazing but I tend to offend her. Like we will be at a aparty at her boyfriends house and she will be playing beer pong and he will want to go to the store to get more alcohol. Me him and steff are the only people who ever pay for beer so he will ask if i want to accompany him and so i will and she gets mad. idk its silly. he is a nice fella but im not interested in him. I love my matty and I wouldn't jeopardize the great relationship i have for some other girls guy! And she knows this but she still gets upset. I chalk it up to drunkenness but it makes me nervous to hang out with them. It seems like a lot of girls get jealous of me and I don't mean to sound conceited but it seems to be true...Idk my random thought for the day.

Matt will be here in a couple of weeks. And I will be on vaca! YAY!

hmm

So the last few months have been hectic and I have let my self go. I'm pretty upset about all of this. I managed to get down to a fancy 118 and keep it but then the FOOD HOLIDAYS happened and i weighed myself a few weeks ago. 133. Not good. So I started a new diet and exercise thing a couple weeks ago. I have lost 3 pounds! but still. 130. Not cute. So I am working out lightly in the afternoons still and waking up supa early to meet Josie at the gym. We are gonna do this Nike marathon training thing to get back into running and lift weights as well. We lifted this morning but I'm not feeling super sore so I think I just need to go back to the gym and use the machines and really push it. Free weights never really do much for me. But the diet part is hard. lol I'm trying to only eat 900 calories a day so I can drop 2 pounds a week. But uh yeah lol I like food. So I cleaned out my fridge this weekend and got rid of a lot of stuff and I ave decided to stop keeping my food sitting out where I can see it so I put it all in the closet and I will only eat when my tummy is super growly <3 Wish me luck. I want to be in the 125 range by the end of the month =]

so this is love

Well lots happened this weekend...Matty got here on Friday. I did merch for their show and they wrote a new song. Guess the title? Love....haha so i guess you can predict the other news i have for you haha. Sat morning we went to breakfast and coffee at our fav little french place and matt was showing off his french skill and i was translating what i could remember from back when i could speak that language. so then he says je ne parle pas jhsiajepiojwa and mumbles the end and i was like you dont know how to say?.... and he was like i dont know how to tell you i love you. I said it back. I mean it. But it terrifies me. I keep falling in love and each break up is worse than the last and i'm scared that the next one will just make me into one of those cruel mean girls that i hate when they date my guy friends.

Steff said something the other night on this subject that I really like a lot. She said:"The first time you fall in love, it's exactly that, you fall, and you run around (flailing arms around) AHHH IM IN LOVE!!! But every time after that it's more like you surrender. You have to let your gaurd down and let that person in. You know that you are giving them power over you and your life and your happiness." And that's how I feel. Like I have to work to let him get close, but the idea terrifies me.

I can talk to him for hours and it never gets old. We can fart and burp around eachother and its not gross. and he does leave the room to do these things normally but it happens sometimes lol. And when i tell him things hes okay with them. Like my past and some of the more terrible things i have done. He dosn't judge me or hate me for them or think i will be that way again. And when I say I want to do this or that or the other in my future he says We will do that, We will find a way. And Its crazy but he does, is. I want to own a record company and work merch and promote bands and he is like, well lets go meet rock stars, this college has a good music program, this one has a good business program. He is always planning a future.
This also terrifies me.

haha so im scared of commitment but i cant let someone this amazing pass me by. So i will deal with whatever comes my way and try to always do right by him and I guess I will just see where that takes me.

falling behind

I have been slacking on this blog thing. lol been BUUUUSSSYYYYY! lol had tests and studying and im trying to workout again because i gained hella weight over the past few months. Its hard to juggle everything and find time to get on here and write stuff. Plus its all pretty much the same old same old lol. Drama with friends happy with matt. lol school is dumb and i hat ethis language and i fall behind the rest of the class more and more each day. im studying as much as i can stand but since i hate the language its hard to devote much time to it. oh well. i have been hanging out with steffanie lately. she is an amazingly sweet and wonderful person who constantly brightens my day. We go places and talk girly stuff all the time. I love it =] She just got a new boyfriend so i hope we dont stop hanging out because of it. i really need someone fun to hang out with and she likes to just sit and not do anything in particular which is my most favorite activity lol.

Okay i have homework and i want to go to eat village tonight for open mic. NO! im not singing but my friends are and its a good walk there and i should get some excercise in today =] but i need to go to bed early tonight b/c i have a pt test tom and i dont want to be exausted tomorrow. Matty might be here tomorrow !!!!! either tom night or fri morning he said =D okay homeowrk time xoxoxo

been slackin

nothin much has been happening except drama. Aaron is ignoring me except when he rubs his new girlfriend in my face…her name is slutty mcslutterson….she is a cunt btw. I'm just done with this place and all the things that have been happening. And I can't be his friend because all i want to say is "HEY DUDE! You're screwing up your life!!!!" but he gets mad every single time i say that. So being his friend means being quiet and I can't do that very well. I wanna leave here now. I miss being a normal person and when i felt this need to pack up and move i could. I would.

Anyways matt will be here soon. I'm super excited! I can't wait to be around my one problem-free, drama-free person. He makes me happy, calm. He's gonna teach me to surf. =]

The beatles had it right...

I feel like everyone is just running around. They are all moving so fast. Everyone is scheming and planning "for the future". But they don't realize that what we have is right now. That now is good enough and if you could just let go for a few moments a day, you could be content with it. Maybe even happy for a moment. I get it. Your future is important, but your missing out on your youth. I want to have a nice house and a new car and make lots of money and have a happy family but I also feel it's important that by that point that I have lived a full and good life. To be able to say, I have been there, I have done that, I know how to handle this. I know when to move to the side because the shit is about to hit the fan. Everyone seems too close to realize that what they are doing isn't the best decision. They always need to be moving, be with someone, controlling the music and driving too fast, too close to another car. But what happens when the people are gone? What happens when the car breaks down? You have no one but yourself sometimes. And I'm afraid that my friends have never had to cope with the toughest of things in this world: being alone with only them and their own thoughts. Why can't people just let it be?