running

I need to figure out a better way to deal with my problems. But this way is so much easier. Had a really terrible couple of days. Couldn't talk to matt because he wouldnt pick up his phone and me quickly turning into an emotional wreck i sent him a fairly aggravated text along the lines of why do you pay for this is you never pick it up. I guess I called all those time to not talk to you. (I normally call once and if he doesnt pick up i leave it and move on. )But last night I sent him a few texts and called several times as a hint i really wanted to talk to him. So he called today and I vented my emotional garbage on him and stuff and then we are chatting on facebook and i start playing 21 questions but using it as a state of the union sorta thing. what do you like about me. what don't you. have i ever made you mad? have i ever made you frustrated? ect. pretty normal stuff but then he is like, there is something i want to talk to you about in person and im like ?....????????

so he was like dont worry! blah blahbljahdhjsd i love you ect its not bad. but im like wtf. you don't just say this to me and then not tell me whats up..... So my initial reaction is to breakup with him before he can leave me... i know this is wrong but i can't help it. I run.

I am a fast runner. 15:50 2 mile. Just sayin, i can be gone befr ehe knows anything was wrong.... terrible response to stress.... in othe rnews weighed myself...126! oh hell yeah!

129!

yeeeeEEAAaahhh *does funny little dance with copious amounts of arm punching* well like 129.89 haha but its below 130 and will never be that high again. Went cycling this evening. I hate waking up early to go to the gym and the electricity was funky so I skipped out on my run this morning. Had to make it up. Been lifting and trying to make myself run. Not very successful at teh running which I know is what I need to quickly drop the unwanted fattyness. lol
I am becoming a workout-a-holic. I always want to do something physical and move and it is hard to concentrate in class because of this crazy desire to be thin. oh well.

As far as the personal life goes....well all is good on the western front i guess. I do have this friend. Steffanie. I love her and she is amazing but I tend to offend her. Like we will be at a aparty at her boyfriends house and she will be playing beer pong and he will want to go to the store to get more alcohol. Me him and steff are the only people who ever pay for beer so he will ask if i want to accompany him and so i will and she gets mad. idk its silly. he is a nice fella but im not interested in him. I love my matty and I wouldn't jeopardize the great relationship i have for some other girls guy! And she knows this but she still gets upset. I chalk it up to drunkenness but it makes me nervous to hang out with them. It seems like a lot of girls get jealous of me and I don't mean to sound conceited but it seems to be true...Idk my random thought for the day.

Matt will be here in a couple of weeks. And I will be on vaca! YAY!

hmm

So the last few months have been hectic and I have let my self go. I'm pretty upset about all of this. I managed to get down to a fancy 118 and keep it but then the FOOD HOLIDAYS happened and i weighed myself a few weeks ago. 133. Not good. So I started a new diet and exercise thing a couple weeks ago. I have lost 3 pounds! but still. 130. Not cute. So I am working out lightly in the afternoons still and waking up supa early to meet Josie at the gym. We are gonna do this Nike marathon training thing to get back into running and lift weights as well. We lifted this morning but I'm not feeling super sore so I think I just need to go back to the gym and use the machines and really push it. Free weights never really do much for me. But the diet part is hard. lol I'm trying to only eat 900 calories a day so I can drop 2 pounds a week. But uh yeah lol I like food. So I cleaned out my fridge this weekend and got rid of a lot of stuff and I ave decided to stop keeping my food sitting out where I can see it so I put it all in the closet and I will only eat when my tummy is super growly <3 Wish me luck. I want to be in the 125 range by the end of the month =]

so this is love

Well lots happened this weekend...Matty got here on Friday. I did merch for their show and they wrote a new song. Guess the title? Love....haha so i guess you can predict the other news i have for you haha. Sat morning we went to breakfast and coffee at our fav little french place and matt was showing off his french skill and i was translating what i could remember from back when i could speak that language. so then he says je ne parle pas jhsiajepiojwa and mumbles the end and i was like you dont know how to say?.... and he was like i dont know how to tell you i love you. I said it back. I mean it. But it terrifies me. I keep falling in love and each break up is worse than the last and i'm scared that the next one will just make me into one of those cruel mean girls that i hate when they date my guy friends.

Steff said something the other night on this subject that I really like a lot. She said:"The first time you fall in love, it's exactly that, you fall, and you run around (flailing arms around) AHHH IM IN LOVE!!! But every time after that it's more like you surrender. You have to let your gaurd down and let that person in. You know that you are giving them power over you and your life and your happiness." And that's how I feel. Like I have to work to let him get close, but the idea terrifies me.

I can talk to him for hours and it never gets old. We can fart and burp around eachother and its not gross. and he does leave the room to do these things normally but it happens sometimes lol. And when i tell him things hes okay with them. Like my past and some of the more terrible things i have done. He dosn't judge me or hate me for them or think i will be that way again. And when I say I want to do this or that or the other in my future he says We will do that, We will find a way. And Its crazy but he does, is. I want to own a record company and work merch and promote bands and he is like, well lets go meet rock stars, this college has a good music program, this one has a good business program. He is always planning a future.
This also terrifies me.

haha so im scared of commitment but i cant let someone this amazing pass me by. So i will deal with whatever comes my way and try to always do right by him and I guess I will just see where that takes me.

falling behind

I have been slacking on this blog thing. lol been BUUUUSSSYYYYY! lol had tests and studying and im trying to workout again because i gained hella weight over the past few months. Its hard to juggle everything and find time to get on here and write stuff. Plus its all pretty much the same old same old lol. Drama with friends happy with matt. lol school is dumb and i hat ethis language and i fall behind the rest of the class more and more each day. im studying as much as i can stand but since i hate the language its hard to devote much time to it. oh well. i have been hanging out with steffanie lately. she is an amazingly sweet and wonderful person who constantly brightens my day. We go places and talk girly stuff all the time. I love it =] She just got a new boyfriend so i hope we dont stop hanging out because of it. i really need someone fun to hang out with and she likes to just sit and not do anything in particular which is my most favorite activity lol.

Okay i have homework and i want to go to eat village tonight for open mic. NO! im not singing but my friends are and its a good walk there and i should get some excercise in today =] but i need to go to bed early tonight b/c i have a pt test tom and i dont want to be exausted tomorrow. Matty might be here tomorrow !!!!! either tom night or fri morning he said =D okay homeowrk time xoxoxo

been slackin

nothin much has been happening except drama. Aaron is ignoring me except when he rubs his new girlfriend in my face…her name is slutty mcslutterson….she is a cunt btw. I'm just done with this place and all the things that have been happening. And I can't be his friend because all i want to say is "HEY DUDE! You're screwing up your life!!!!" but he gets mad every single time i say that. So being his friend means being quiet and I can't do that very well. I wanna leave here now. I miss being a normal person and when i felt this need to pack up and move i could. I would.

Anyways matt will be here soon. I'm super excited! I can't wait to be around my one problem-free, drama-free person. He makes me happy, calm. He's gonna teach me to surf. =]

The beatles had it right...

I feel like everyone is just running around. They are all moving so fast. Everyone is scheming and planning "for the future". But they don't realize that what we have is right now. That now is good enough and if you could just let go for a few moments a day, you could be content with it. Maybe even happy for a moment. I get it. Your future is important, but your missing out on your youth. I want to have a nice house and a new car and make lots of money and have a happy family but I also feel it's important that by that point that I have lived a full and good life. To be able to say, I have been there, I have done that, I know how to handle this. I know when to move to the side because the shit is about to hit the fan. Everyone seems too close to realize that what they are doing isn't the best decision. They always need to be moving, be with someone, controlling the music and driving too fast, too close to another car. But what happens when the people are gone? What happens when the car breaks down? You have no one but yourself sometimes. And I'm afraid that my friends have never had to cope with the toughest of things in this world: being alone with only them and their own thoughts. Why can't people just let it be?

Officially boycotting February

So this will be long but i dont feel like telling everything. I've been procrastinating uploading this because I need to upload the pictures from Matty's show on Sat. and the art show on Sat. So Matt was here and I was super happy. That kid really makes me feel...idk like im at home again. Aaron said he was more upset by it because he never saw me that happy and now he kinda gets why I want to be with a guy who doesnt live anywhere near me. Matt's just super laid back and he lets me deal with my problems and only gets involved when I ask him to. And he never gets too far. IDK. I like it when I have my life and he has his. We give each other support and advice but we don't feel overwhelmed and the need to take care of each other. We are both really independent people. It's nice. That was my gush <3

So we went to this art show with the band on Sat. at this great little coffee shop a few miles away from where I live. It's called Sweet Elena's [sp?] in the artsy warehouse district on Monterey, if there could be a warehouse district. The area is only four blocks haha but such is the curse of trying to make a tiny small town sound cool. haha. Then we ran around with the band and went to the show. I love their music! Go and check em out.

www.champagnesunday.com

And he made me a pop up card for Valentines! haha got me invader Zim keychain and underwear and hair ribbons. Which may sound lame but everything was super cute and he remembered all the things i randomly point at when we went shopping this past december. That is amazing. And life has just been crazy all around. Matt's gone again and people keep getting mad at me for stupid things and I can't seem to hold my tongue any longer. And people don't like for me to make the fact that I'm mad known to them (this apparently hurts their sensitive feelings) so then i get super pissed b/c I spend hours a day listening to their problems and emotions but I can't get 5 - 10 minutes to vent at the end of a crummy day? Something is going to have to change soon. I really can't handle being all quiet and telling people I'm fine when I'm not. I'll explain more later b/c I really don't feel like it now. I have basically been unwillingly involved in two major cases so I am in and out of police stations and lawyers offices everyday.... meh.

The update.

So Matty got her yesterday! yay! haha i have pictures of him opening his valentines present but i cant upload them at present. I got him ear rings, or gauges rather. haha i buy him earrings and he cant buy them for me. its at least sorta funny. but we met up down town. i wore an adorable babydoll dress that i found for three dollars this weekend when thrift store shopping. =] so we were all cute and kissing on the sidewalk for like 30 minutes. kinda gross for passersby im sure. oh well. =p

so then we went and got food and shopped for a while and ended up at east village for open mic nite. Then aaron showed up with tesa and alex....went well actually matt and aaron seem to have a total bro-mance lol. aaron said he really respects matt and can tell we are happy together. so we sat outside and played music and sung. then me n tesa pulled a total high school moment and snuck to the car to down a bottle of whine. haha. matt came up on post and watched "Lonestar State of Mind" with me. Have you seen it? You should! Then we cuddled all night =] cant wait to get out of school to see him again!

Harry Truman

Let's see, what's happened since last we spoke? Thursday night was fun. It was the las day of work until Tuesday. Went shopping with Baney face, Whoerle, New Kid, Tesa and Alex. Then went back to Jaimee's where we preceded to get drunk. This is a common place for the drinking to happen. She lives about a block from a decent local hooka bar, Indian Summer. We always get super dressed up and go make asses of ourselves flirting our way through as many free drinks as possible and dancing all night. We didn't hit up the bar this time though.

It was all great until Aaron showed up. Him and Tesa sat outside for a good hour where he pined out his broken heart to her, making me extremely uncomfortable. Can you guess who he blames for this new found heartache? Apparently yours truly. Now before we get to pointing fingers at me and calling me all sorts of terrible names let me tell this story to you in full. Aaron got here about a week after I did. We met and I thought he was cute so we hung out and eventually we kissed. Aaron was fresh out of a relationship and was adamant about not getting into a new one. We fought all the time and so we broke up, or whatever you would like to call it. Fast forward until the end of my next non-relationship and I'm broken hearted and crying on the floor. Aaron runs to the rescue and we ar

e together again.

The big issue is I didn't know we were actually together. We were in his head but he neglected to inform me of this. I would like to put in a disclaimer for the future that if you neglect to tell me we are exclusive then I will continue to see other people until I find someone who does want to date me. Plus Aaron was still talking to two of his Ex's, which made me uncomfortable. I told him about this but he still did it. If you are in a relationship with someon

e shouldn't you respect her wishes on such a

touchy subject? So he went to jail and I met Matt. Matt likes me and wants to be with me. We can talk for days and he understands my past, which is something rare, seeing as I have a lot of it. So naturally I want to be with him. Now Aaron is back and I want to be his friend but he seems to cross the boundary lines I have set pretty frequently, leaving me to tell him to just not touch me.

Friday night: Aaron, Tesa, Alex and I were invited to a party by Stef-f-any. We pronounce it this way. We get to her apartment only to find out that she has been in a wreck, which coincidentally we were right behind on our way up to her place. So instead

of the happy little party we expected, we spent the night at the hospital. Steff is fine, possibly a broken leg, we never did find out. There were 5 other people in the car with her though. On

e guy has a broken leg, he is missing the skin that used to be a tattoo on his arm. Another guy had glass in his face. The other are ok except the driver. She had a brain hemorrhage. I don't know how she turned out. I'm hoping she is ok. She got taken all the way to San Jose to be treated. It was rough being there though. I was at the hospital with no one I knew and everyone is crying and laughing hysterically, dealing with the sudden news of it all in their own person

al ways. There were people from the wreck going around in wheel chairs in shock and freaking out and crying. The driver's family was there. Her brothers w

ere crying. Her mom was being a solid rock and dealing with everything so wonderfully. Her dad was sitting and staring at the wall like the world didn't matter. It was terrible.

When Aaron came up to get me from the hospital, we were driving home and he was ranting and raving about the stupidity of kids and how they almost killed Steff. I understand his point of view but the driver is the worst off and if anything it was her fault. He shouldn't wish anything worse on her, but he was. When people yell it makes me nauseous and scared so eventually I told him to calm down and we got into a fight. He told me to just leave him alone from now on. Oh well. I can't do anything right with that boy and I am truly sick of trying to be correct with him. So that is my weekend so far.

Well tonight started out so good. Steff got in a wreck. Some of her friends are pretty messed up. Say a prayer or whatever you do for them. Please.

Something Diana sent me.

This woman is getting ready to enter a public toilet in Houston TX.



This is the inside of said toilet.
It's a one-way piece of glass so you can see out but no one can see in.



This is a painted floor in a bathroom....
Yeah I personally would not have the guts to go pee in here.





This is a mural on the ceiling of a smokers lounge.
Mildly offensive I guess but it's pretty cool regardless.

Hope you kids enjoy this!

احب قراء

I am studying Arabic in college. And I suck at it so hard. So I have subscribed to several arabic blogs. I hope that by reading their own personal views on the world and seeing their daily struggles will help me care enough to study. Or if I am reading these things on the regular then maybe I can pick up the language a little better. =]

This is the back of my homework book. =]

Today in class, we were reading about t.v. shows and how they are controlled by the government. My teacher, herein after referred to as Heir Doctor, said, "The real controllers are Larry King and his gang of stupids." He then went on a rant about how Larry King must think he is stupid because he will watch this but if he "skips this stupid I must watch another stupid." I don't know if this makes you laugh but it does make me laugh. He is such an opinionated little guy.

Other than that I paid my bills today! YAY! apparently Sallie Mae has been dogging my credit for a while. No new car for me =/ *BUT i paid off the extra stuff that i owe. so that's good right?

Long weekend this weekend. I don't know what I want to do. I have to save money though because Matt will be here next week. I got him an awesome present for Valentines day <3 I can't wait for him to be here.I want to be all snugly in his arms again. Makes me soooo happy.

This is us.
These are our faces.
We are the coolest people you will ever meet.

Hello there

So my best friend Diana told me to start up a blog. "So I can be caught up on a regular basis."
The jury is still out on why this blog is going to be any better than the invention of texting. Then Myspace. The Facebook. Now Twitter. I think it is absolutely silly that I have to remember a separate name for this blog because you can't figure out what it is I'm thinking based on all of those places.
And what happened to a simple phone call? I am unsure exactly why that doesn't work. haha oh well!

So I will use this space as a diary/emotion dump point for things that are not too private for the anonymity of the web and possibly one day get advice/ feedback on ideas and thoughts.

So here is me and what I dream:
I am 22 female living in Monterey California. I am originally from Baton Rouge. I am currently in a tangled web of relationship where I am generally unsure about what is happening. I continuously profread things and I realize i start off a lot of sentences with the word "so".

One day i want to make a place where the creative people come together. A safe haven if you will. And I want them to do what they do best: Create. Draw, paint, photograph, write, make some musics. This is my final dream. I can die happy after this.

I used to draw but now i take photos.
Welcome to glass kisses..